Putting Him First 24/7? Why I Had to Learn to Prioritize Myself Too

Hello. This is Iruru.

“I want to see him 24 hours a day, 365 days a year!

When I’m alone, I tend to look at his social media, and whenever I see something delicious or something he might like, I wish I could eat it with him or show it to him. I feel like sending him a photo. I just want to stay connected to him forever!”

There was a time when I was completely head-over-heels for someone like this. If you’re currently separated from your person, think about what happened when you were together and what will happen after you reunite. It’s not that this mindset is necessarily bad, but when I was in this situation myself, looking back now, it was really exhausting. How does it feel for you?

More Important Than Friends, Than Family… Him!

When I used to think, ‘I want to be with him all the time. He should be my top priority,’ and looked at how often we actually met, it was once every one or two weeks. Despite thinking, ‘I want to see him 24/7!’ I hardly got to see him. We exchanged messages almost every day, but setting up actual dates was like pulling teeth.

Back then, weekends were my only real free time since I worked late most weekdays. So all my personal plans got crammed into weekends. Whether it was an art exhibition I wanted to see, dinner with friends, a concert I was excited about, or even appointments like laser hair removal, my weekends filled up fast.

I desperately wanted to schedule dates with him in advance because I wanted to see him so badly, but it just never worked out. Whenever I brought it up, he’d say something like, ‘I can’t plan ahead because I never know my schedule. If it looks clear closer to the time, I’ll let you know, and if it doesn’t work out, we can try for another time.’ I was constantly frustrated.

Sometimes, he’d suddenly text, ‘How about tonight?’ and I’d have to cancel my evening plans. I was constantly prioritizing him and putting my own needs on the back burner. It was exhausting.”

I Treated Him Like a Rare Treasure

Looking back now, I had put him on this pedestal as someone so special and rare, even though I barely got to see him, and I was thinking these extreme thoughts like “I want to see him 24 hours a day, 365 days a year!” If we had been meeting 5 days a week, I probably wouldn’t have felt so desperate. I had created this belief of having a “boyfriend I rarely get to see” and prioritized his convenience over my own. I took on the role of being completely available for his schedule. Now I realize this was a perfect example of “what you believe becomes your reality.”

Is it Natural to Always Put Someone You Love First?

At the time, I told myself, “I love him, so it’s only natural that I should be the one to adjust my schedule since I’m more flexible than he is,” and “I think it’s important for us to build our relationship by being willing to compromise.” I thought I “had to” do this.

But because everything was so last-minute, we couldn’t go anywhere far, and we could only go to places that didn’t require reservations. Gradually, I started feeling like he wasn’t really considering my needs, and I desperately held on tighter, thinking, “If I don’t go along with this, things won’t work out,” but eventually it became too much and we ended up breaking up.

In my case, we did break up, but I still totally understand that feeling of “he is 100% the most important thing to me!” I get it, but now I’ve found that a mindset where both he and I are important works so much better for me. Because setting your thoughts to “put him first 24 hours a day, 365 days a year” is essentially choosing to let someone else control your entire life. It’s not that living at someone else’s mercy is inherently wrong – it just became way too exhausting for me personally.

I want to make my own choices, and I want to be his equal partner, not worship him like he’s some kind of deity. I want us to take care of each other. I realized that would create a much more enjoyable and sustainable relationship.

Of course, this is just my personal perspective, so it doesn’t have to be this way for everyone, and I’m sure some people would be happier being 100% devoted to their person. When you’re thinking about what will happen after you get back together, consider which approach would actually make you happier, and choose whatever feels right for you.