How I Learned to Love Myself Without Conditions

Hello! This is Iruru. Today I want to share my personal journey with self-love and how I discovered what it really means to embrace myself completely.

If you’ve ever found yourself being your own worst critic, you’re definitely not alone. I have a feeling many of you will see yourself in the story I’m about to tell.

Self-love is about loving yourself just the way you are

Self-love really is exactly what it sounds like – loving yourself. It might seem like you need some grand gesture or achievement, but it can be as simple as making yourself a cup of tea. I actually talk about this in a video – something as basic as boiling water can be an act of self-love. I’ll drop the link here for you to check out.

When I was so hard on myself

Here’s the ironic part – right after making that statement, I couldn’t even see boiling water as self-love. Back then, it felt like climbing Mount Everest.

On this blog, we talk about how your subconscious mind creates your reality based on what you believe – “because you think it, it becomes true.”

When it comes to relationships, this becomes “I know we’ll have deep, meaningful love, so we will” – and that belief is everything.

If your beliefs shape your reality, then your thoughts hold incredible power.

I think self-love is also about finding your anchor, your solid ground.

 

But I completely understand if this feels overwhelming – it certainly did for me.

A few years back, I was going through a phase where I tried everything – seminars, workshops, you name it. During this time, I worked with a life coach who specialized in helping people live authentically.

In one of our sessions, she looked at me and said, “You’re incredibly hard on yourself.” This caught me completely off guard. I had no idea I was doing it, but it made me curious enough to keep digging deeper with her.

Through our continued work together, I began to feel that it was actually okay to love myself.

Looking back now, I can see that this was the turning point that set me on my self-love journey.

I couldn’t love myself

Before that moment, I genuinely didn’t like myself. I was constantly finding fault with everything about me.

I hate this feature on my face. My style is terrible. I need to be so much better at work.

It was an endless stream of “This is wrong, that’s not good enough!”

All this negativity was really bringing me down. But here’s what I’d do – I’d tear myself apart and then try to pump myself back up, thinking “Well, if there’s room for improvement, that means I can grow! Time to work harder!”

But deep down, I couldn’t honestly say I liked myself with all these “flaws” I kept focusing on.

Do you think you can love yourself if you are working hard?

When I look back now, I realize there really weren’t any bad parts.

Not being able to do something isn’t inherently bad, and often what we see as weaknesses, others view as strengths. But back then, I was completely blind to this perspective.

I need to lose more weight to be attractive.

I need to become more thoughtful and get along with everyone.

I had boxed myself into this kind of thinking.

 

Then my coach started saying things like “Iruru, you’re already working so hard and doing amazing. You’re incredible for putting in all this effort” and slowly, I began to see myself differently and wondered, “Maybe I can love myself for trying so hard?”

I can’t love myself if I’m not trying my best

Don’t get me wrong – celebrating your accomplishments is absolutely good.

I loved the version of me that worked hard. I loved the me that stuck to my diet. I loved the me that excelled at work.

I loved hitting my sales targets. I loved getting recognition. I loved meeting deadlines. I loved making lunch every single day that week.

I loved all the parts of me that could achieve things. But I couldn’t stand the parts that fell short.

The me that didn’t get recognition at work was worthless.

The me that missed deadlines was a failure. The me that couldn’t push through challenges was weak. The me that skipped making lunch was lazy. That’s how my mind worked back then.

I loved my achieving, hardworking self. But I rejected my struggling, imperfect self. Yet somehow, I thought this was self-love.

The impact of self-love that loves existence itself

Everything changed when Meguru said something that completely shifted my perspective:

“Only loving yourself when you’re successful is a guaranteed way to lose all confidence the moment you fail. What if instead, you believed you were wonderful just for existing, no conditions attached?”

That moment absolutely floored me, and I thought“Wait, I can love myself just for being alive?”

I honestly couldn’t wrap my head around it at first. The idea that I was wonderful just for existing, without having to earn it, was completely foreign to me. I’d always believed that if I wasn’t achieving something, I was worthless.

But as I started embracing the idea that I was enough exactly as I was – flaws, struggles, and all – I felt this enormous burden lift from my shoulders.

It’s so easy to be accepted for who you are

It feels effortless now, but back then it seemed impossible. So if being told to “accept yourself as you are” feels like scaling a mountain, I totally get it.

For anyone struggling with this, try giving yourself permission first. Say things like “It’s okay that I don’t accept myself yet,” or “It’s okay that I keep failing right now,” and remind yourself “It’s okay to be exactly where I am.” I think giving yourself that kind of gentle permission is actually beautiful.